Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast

eisha: OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!!! I cannot believe we are ABOUT TO MEET PUNK FARM IN PERSON!!! Jules, how’s my hair? Do I have anything in my teeth?

Jules: You’re fine. I am, like, shaking, though, I’m so flippin’ nervous! God, what if I throw up? What if I throw up ON THE BAND???

eisha: You will not throw up. You can’t throw up, because then they’ll leave, and we won’t score this interview, and this interview is the coolest thing we’ve ever done on our little blog. Honestly, how many people can say they’ve interviewed a fictional farm animal band? With a TOTALLY HOT BASS PLAYER? This is my chance to… I mean, this could totally make our careers. Or whatever.

Dude, is this even happening? Maybe I’m dreaming it. Hey, pinch me?

Jules: . . .

eisha: OW!!! I didn’t say draw blood… Whoa, do you hear that? Geez, ever heard of a muffler, people?

Jules: (looking out the window) That’s their van! They’re here!! THEY’RE HERE!!!

Jules & eisha: (jumping up and down in that annoying fangirl way) SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jules: Okayokayokay… be cool… breathe…

eisha: Here they come… Okay, we can handle this… We’re professionals… whew…

Okay.

You ready?

Jules: Oh yeah.

Let’s rock this interview.

7-Imp: You all rocked the pier in Florida when you were in town (we traveled just to see you all). What was the band’s inspiration for that punk metal version of “The Wheels on the Bus”? Our ears are still ringin’, man, but in a good way.

PIG: That’s right we did! That was an unbelievable show!

SHEEP: I write what I know and what I feel, you know? And man, that trip down to Florida was just . . . it was an intense experience. I hope that was reflected in the music.

GOAT: I just like to play my bass.

7-Imp: Pig, has your popularity with your female fans caused any tension between you and the other members of the band? And, can we get your autograph?

PIG: Tension in the band? None that I have seen. But the ladies? Yeah, they like me. Sometimes like me, like me. And I’d be happy to give you my autograph. Who should I write this to? Jules? Eisha? Which one are you?

(Sheep shoots Pig an incredulous look) . . .

7-Imp: Some people say punk rock died in the ’80s and that we should just get over it. What do you have to say to them?

GOAT: Man, that just gets my me. Punk is alive and well in the beating hearts of any kid or creature out there who doesn’t want to play by society’s norms. Punk isn’t just a trend but a mindset . . . a way of life.

7-Imp: Female drummers are pretty rare in punk bands. Cow, do you ever feel like you get treated differently because of your udders? How do you feel about it?

COW: Some people see me walk in and I hear them mutter under their breath, but then I pick up the sticks and it’s all over -– I put them all to shame. Spending countless hours grazing creates a lot of pent-up frustration and anger and when I get behind those drums, that’s when it all comes out! I’ve been known to break a few drumheads in my day.

7-Imp: Sheep, is there any truth to the rumor that you almost got your driver’s license revoked in Omaha at the end of your tour? Were you really going 114 mph??

SHEEP: Listen, I’m so punk, I don’t even have a license, so there was nothing to take away. And I don’t even remember Omaha, because I was driving so fast, I didn’t even notice it.

7-Imp: Chicken, we heard you had to be hospitalized for a nervous breakdown during your tour. Is it true? How are you doing now?

CHICKEN: Well, we had to take some time from the hectic schedule so that I could re-coop. I wouldn’t call is a nervous breakdown, so much as I would call it “exhaustion.” But now that I am rested we’re back on the road and playing our remaining shows.

7-Imp: Your van is beautiful, man. Who painted it?

PIG: I did.

COW: What?! What are you talking about!

PIG: The lightning bolt . . . the flames . . . that was all me!

CHICKEN: Yeah, maybe you had the idea, but you didn’t pick up a brush the entire afternoon!

COW: Take a look at his hooves. He hasn’t worked on honest day in his life!

7-Imp: What does your publicist Jarrett J. Krosoczka say about your sudden, new-found fame?

CHICKEN: Yeah, he gets a little hot-tempered about our success.

PIG: He had the audacity to come storming into our dressing room after reading an interview we gave. He was all yelling, “I made this band and I can break this band, it’s up to you!” Then he went all on and on about how we’d better not leave him for other management.

COW: Show us the MOOLA!….

(Everyone looks at Cow) . . .

COW: No? Was that too much?

GOAT: I . . . I . . . I wouldn’t. It’s just, you know.

COW: Yeah. Okay.

GOAT: I mean, that reference is already so old. And the pun was a little too . . .

COW: Okay, I got it. I’m done. No moola jokes.

7-Imp: What’s he up to these days?

SHEEP: Krosoczka? Eh – who knows.

PIG: He mentioned something to us the other day, didn’t he?

SHEEP: I don’t know, I . . . I don’t pay attention.

PIG: Yeah, something about some girl named Gina.

CHICKEN: Oh yeah. Didn’t he get married?

SHEEP: Sure, whatever. Let’s get back to talking about Punk Farm. Juleisha, next question please.

7-Imp: What band would you most like to tour with?

SHEEP: There are so many. The California Raisins maybe.

PIG: Josie and the Pussycats . . . that would be hot.

GOAT: The Gorillaz, man . . . it would be so dope . . .

COW: Fat Albert & the Cosby Kids Junkyard Band . . .

CHICKEN: Jem.

PIG: What about MC Skat Cat? Do you think he’s still working?

COW: I don’t know, but that would be a good combo.

SHEEP: Maybe we could get his agent on the phone.

GOAT: I don’t know . . . I hear he’s a bit of a diva. Rumor is, you take 2 steps forward . . . he takes 2 steps back.

7-Imp: Are you all digging your new PunkFarmSpace site?

SHEEP: Yeah, it’s a really cool way for us to connect with all of the fans that come see our shows.

PIG: I have a fan page on it.

SHEEP: Ugh . . . we know.

PIG: Well, I don’t see any of you with fan pages on it . . .

SHEEP: That junk doesn’t matter. Besides, people know who the star of this band is and I’m happy to see them arguing that point.

COW: Boys, boys – QUIT IT! We’re in this together! As a band! As one! Going back to your question, PunkFarmSpace.com is the coolest. You need to go check it out.

GOAT: I just spend hours on it, clicking from profile to profile. People put the weirdest stuff up on this Internet. It’s crazy, dude!

7-Imp: Um, Goat . . . are you single? If so, what are you looking for in a Nanny (Or a Billy? Don’t want to make assumptions)?

GOAT: That’s very copasetic of you to keep that question so open-ended. It’s cool, though. I’m looking for someone to love, but right now I’m married to the rock. Someday I’ll settle down, maybe have some kids of my own. But for now, I’m arm-in-arm with my bass.

Besides, I would only hurt you and I couldn’t live with that. So chin up, don’t look so sad.

7-Imp: Here are some questions we sometimes ask bloggers and even authors/illustrators in our 7-Imp interviews:

What are your other favorite things to do, other than playing and touring?

SHEEP: I’ve been dabbling in some producing. Trying new things in the studio.

PIG: I like to design things. I have a little sketchbook that I like to keep around.

CHICKEN: I like card games.

COW: Sometimes I just want to . . . I just want to dance, ya know?!

GOAT: Yoga.

7-Imp: What’s one thing that most people don’t know about you all?

SHEEP: Farmer Joe runs a dairy farm, so we’re never in harm’s way.

7-Imp: What’s in heavy rotation on your stereo/iPod lately? And, hey, what Five Essential Punk Songs do you recommend to us?

SHEEP: Top 5 songs? Only 5?

• “Blitzkreig Bop” — The Ramones
• “London Calling” — The Clash
• “In the City” — The Jam
• “Welcome to Paradise” — Green Day
• “Rapture” — Blondie

Now, that’s just off the top of my head. There are too many good bands to name.

7-Imp: If you could have three (living) musicians over for a jam session, whom would you choose?

PIG: Flea, Eddie Vedder and Billy Jo (from Green Day, NOT the piano man guy).

CHICKEN: Oh, and John Tesh, too.

(Chicken pauses with a deadpan look) . . .

CHICKEN: I’m kidding, of course.

The Pivot Questionnaire

7-Imp: What is your favorite word?

SHEEP: “B’Aaaah!”

7-Imp: What is your least favorite word?

PIG: Anything Farmer Joe says to wake us up in the morning.

7-Imp: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

GOAT: The rain, man. It’s beautiful.

7-Imp: What turns you off?

CHICKEN: Engines breaking down, do you have any idea how stressful that is?!!!!

7-Imp: What is your favorite curse word?

COW: “Moola.”

7-Imp: What sound or noise do you love?

PIG: Fans cheering.

7-Imp: What sound or noise do you hate?

CHICKEN: Tires popping.

7-Imp: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

COW: Professional dancer.

7-Imp: What profession would you not like to do?

PIG: Farming. That’s a lot of work!

7-Imp: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

SHEEP: “The show starts in 5 minutes, plug in your amp, and let’s ROCK!”

Punk Farm also swung by New York earlier this morning for an interview with Betsy Bird (parts One and Two), and they went to visit Little Willow as well . . . And don’t forget our Punk Farm on Tour co-review.